Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
