I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
