Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Houston, we have a blender
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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