I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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