You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
