Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
