So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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