Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
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Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
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I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents