I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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