6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
