The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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