I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
