i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
