Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
