Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
