I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
