How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
