he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
ttyl tear gas
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
