I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She swung at the pinata with crutches
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
