I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
