I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
