Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
