Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
