I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
