stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Is Oprah even human
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
