how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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