2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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