her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
