I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
