I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
