but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
