I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
