just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
