i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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