a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
