y did u give ur computer a hand job?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
