I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
