if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
