4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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