I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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