I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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