I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
