a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
