WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
