You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You can't special order awesome
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
