Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
