No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Randomize
