You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
