i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
