Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
