I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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