just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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