Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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