apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
