He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
