I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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