They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
