I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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