I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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