you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
